Keeping My Own Pace…

There have been many times in my Life where I have chosen to change direction. I have been known to say that I don’t like change, but if you really know me, that might seem to be a bit contradictory. The last year or so has really made me think hard about the things and people that are important to me. The parts and pieces that are there and how they fit, and if I wanted them to fit at all anymore. I have been going through a great deal of upheaval. Before anyone rolls thier eyes and starts a reply to me saying..we get it..we are all upset because of change with the “New Normal”…hear me out.

For quite some time now, I have found extreme pleasure in eating out, and traveling. I enjoyed a large grouping of people from different smatterings of areas. Some from the workplace, some from the Yelp community, some from School, the Gym, ect. I felt that I always had someone to talk to, someone to meet up with, and always a meal of food to be enjoyed. I went on several cool trips and had felt that the adventures were just going to keep on rolling. Then some things happened.

I realize that I have STILL not formally introduced him, however, almost two years ago I got married. I have material for an entire book that I have been planning to write, about what happens when you decide to get married. People treat you differently, and not always in a good way. The entire time you are trying to settle in and figure out married bliss with someone, and every now and then want some semblence of what you used to remember before a whole adult male and his Xbox moved into your house, folks bail on you. They will tell you that they were trying to give you space, but it just felt polarizing to me. People that were your best friends all but disappear. I have very few co-worker friends in the newish job that I took three years ago, and only a handful that I have seen outside the walls of the dungeon in which we work with any regularity.

Add to that a Global Pandemic, that includes travel bans and closures of damn near everything. It seems that every other day there is more bad news, more friends or Family affected by this horrible virus. More orders to stay inside, stay away from people, don’t go out to eat, don’t live your life. I know that all these things are set in place to help us, but; I will never really get used to the new normal, and again..I dont like change.

On top of that, I have been quietly struggling just to wake up and get going every morning. My health has taken a hard hit, and I am still trying to get a grasp on some total answers from the slew of doctor appointments and the ridiculous amount of pills that I have to take in a day. We will not even talk about all the tubes of blood they have been taking over the last six months. I am tired all the time, the gym that used to be a sort of therapy to me isnt something that I can turn to right now. My anxiety is worse than it was in years past. The feeling of impending doom is sometimes difficult to keep at bay when you feel sick and worried all the time. I tend to over think things to the point of being wound so tight that I find it difficult to relax. When I am asked if I have any symptoms, or if I am feeling sick or ill, the truth is that I feel unwell on most days. The reality of chronic illness, and also of mental health conditions, is that no one sees that you aren’t ok, because you look just fine.

I know that I can’t be the only one that when driving a long car ride (oh how I miss roadtrips), you get behind a car, and let them set the pace a little. In my mind I call it the pace car, I am not sure if that’s a real thing or not. I start to come up with ideas about who is in that car, where they might be going. If I have to get off at an exit, I almost always will say a good bye to them, and if they get over and I am not needing to, I may take it personally. I have started this idea in my mind that maybe I had just been behind the wrong pace car for a while. That always going somewhere and always coming up with the next adventure has taken a toll on me. I have started to stay in more, I took up organizing as a hobby to bring me some peace. I have enjoyed making my place look close to like the spaces in The Home Edit. If you don’t know what that is, you can thank me after you look it up.I have always enjoyed cooking, and had taken a step away from that, preferring to only go out or order in. I have been back in the kitchen with a renewed love for ingredients and the process of creation. I DID make a new friend to go grab a meal of food with, and its been nice to enjoy a simple laugh and conversation. I also redecorated my living and dining rooms. I guess if I had the luxury of staying home to work during the pandemic, I would have quite enjoyed all of this sooner than just because I decided to slow down and only do things that make me feel happy. You know aside from washing dishes, folding towels and going to work. Some things, you just can’t escape!

I have two silver bracelets. Well obviously more than that but the two that I am talking about are the simple thin silver ones with a saying engraved across the top. One from a former coworker that I once travelled with, and one from my Mother. The first says across it “Not all who wander are lost”. I wore this every day, it spoke to me, it made sense for that time in my Life. It was almost like an anthem to me. I remember taking it off on the morning of my Wedding, and feeling a little…lost for a moment. I was that used to wearing it all day every day. The second one says “Nevertheless, she persisted”. I am sure that no one at all noticed, but a few weeks ago, I took one off and changed it out with the other. The sentiment just seems to fit more currently. I have, and will continue to move forward, and persist. Not much has held me down for long in my short time on this Earth. For now I just need the bracelet as a reminder.

So you see, I just needed a little time, and maybe a different pace car, to keep moving in the right direction. Speaking of, I think I see my exit now; thanks for listening and I’ll see y’all again soon!

XOXO