Where is my Trigger Finger…?

I know that there are plenty of posts that I could write about the fun adventures I have been going on, and I do promise that they are to come.  But here at Diaries of Suzy Doozer, I want this to feel totally like me.  I want a glimpse of myself here, and for all of you to know me; as if we just had a conversation.  Right now, change is on my mind.  Change that will make things much, much different for me in the present, and also for my future.  It brought me to think about the trigger finger.  No, not the kind that is used for a fire arm.  I mean the kind that indicates if you have hesitated when you should have acted.  There is trigger happy, and gun shy.  I have gone through times in my life where I have been both, and it prompted this…

“I’ve spent so much of my life with someone telling me where to go, what to do when I got there; and even how to be dressed.  So much to the fact that I lost my trigger finger somewhere along the way.  I once had drive and character.  It’s not to say that I no longer have these things.  But years of being told where to go and what to do, and even how to be dressed; those things changed me into someone different.  That trigger finger evaded me. For what? For people that prove to me day after day-rather night after night; that I don’t matter to them.  I can’t matter to them. I’m not a part of their plan. I was never meant to be there. I am only there now because I lost my trigger finger.  I hesitated at times when I never would have before.  No more.”

I wrote this in a little notebook in the spur of a moment with Handy Fellow.  We always have a way of bringing out the best and most interesting things in each other, and he was introducing me to the world of audible books. Something in the book was said and I was sparked.  The idea; that I wasn’t always so gun-shy.  The idea of the trigger finger is that I didn’t always think so damn hard before I made a decision.  I didn’t always make myself weigh pro’s and con’s.  I sometimes looked at a choice, and just made it.

There have been things that have come up where I thought to myself, that would be great but its too risky.  There have also been a lot of things happen where I just went with it and got a little crazy.  You all remember Savage Race, and the Polar Plunge, and the fact that I drove 24 hours  in two days to see Jerry Lee Lewis.  When it comes to real, solid change though…I have not been that Savage recently.  I have been in the same job for seven years, same car, same apartment for eight years.  Am I happy or just comfortable?  The time for change is now, Always. The interesting cool and fun stuff is still there y’all. And I know this was a short post, but I just wanted to share some of what I was thinking right now, how I was feeling.  Also look forward to some interesting news as I explore and get back to my trigger finger.